Somehow the days pass

I'm finding each day so very hard. Every morning I am filled to overflowing with anxiety and I feel my heart break all over again.

My father's girlfriend moved out sometime early this morning. She didn't want us to come up and say goodbye to her, she wanted to be alone, leave quietly and shut the door on all the sadness.

We saw her yesterday and said our goodbyes, she of the stalwart, smiling face and me of the weeping mess.

She had grown to be a symbol for/facsimile of, my Dad to me the past six weeks and with her departure came the reality (once again) that my Dad is truly gone.

I do not know how people make it through such heartbreak.

And yet I also know that I have made it through myself before when my brother and mother passed away nine months apart. Something that I never thought I would get past, that the pain would never diminish, and somehow it did. I know it now.

So they must be right, that time heals. Broken hearts. Somehow.

I will try to hang onto that.

Happy Easter!

Long time no PEEP (hardy har har Easter jokie for you guys teehee! ... I know, GROAN!) out of me, I know! It's been so long that I had to put on my thinking cap and squinch up my face really hard to remember my password for my blog.

I've really been struggling a lot and haven't wanted to dump it all here on my blog. Please know I think of you all often and miss you. And I wanted to check in and say Hello and wish everyone a very Happy Easter!

I decided to "holiday-i-fy" a bit in the hopes of lifting my spirits ... you know, pretend as if and perhaps it will be. So the photo above is the bottom of my Easter feather tree but good grief, I couldn't get a decent picture of the rest to save my life. I am extremely camera challenged, woe is me.

I've invited my family to my father's country club for Easter Brunch, we've been going the past eight years or so - the club graciously said they'd love to have us, they all loved my Daddy. So it will be one last time there for us, at the place he loved so much.

Oh my gosh, the things I am finding up at my dad's house!!! I am fixed for life with items for Vintage Thingie Thursday! I found these two Easter cards to my father, from my brother and I ... given before I could write my own name as my brother has signed both of our names.

Wishing you all a wonderful Easter (hope those on Spring Break are having lots of fun!), hoping you can gather all your dear ones close and hold them near this holiday week.

I'm not sure what to write anymore

I thought I'd write a little Hello post to all of you but somehow words are few and hard to find.

There was a lovely turnout for my father's funeral, lots of his friends from the business world, telling "Bob" anecdotes. It meant so much to be with his friends and hear how respected and beloved he was.

My father had told me he wanted his girlfriend to be able to remain in his house for six months after he passed away, so that she had time to regain her equilibrium and move to her property she has in another state.

Well ... she's decided to leave the Friday after Easter!!!

ACK!

So I'm pretty much bonkers over here, between being heartbroken and grieving, little (!) sleep, having to visit lawyers, etc., I'm now having to pick the girlfriends brain for answers to things I need to know before she leaves.

You'll find me curled up into a ball and rocking in the corner ...

I've begun going through the stuff in the house ... my mom and dad never threw anything away, so it's a slow, memory-laden, sorting out and untangling, mess, er, task. The good news is that some missing family movies were finally found. YIPPIE!

If you're still out there, a big thank you for hanging in there with me and I hope this finds you all well and happy! Hoping I can catch up with you soon and hear all of your news.

nighty night

I just about fainted yesterday when I found this note I had written my dad long long ago when I was six or something?! It was especially poignant since with every evening visit or call to him in the hospital (and many during the daytime, since he was dozing so much), I would say to my dad, "Nighty night Dad, sleep tight".

A few hours from now I will be leaving for my dad's funeral. One young man is coming all the way from the East Coast for it - my father had recently mentored him and he's coming to say thank you.

Nighty night Pop, I love you ...

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

~Henry Scott Holland

Making memory boards

I hope this finds you all well!

I've been a busy bee over here making memory boards and a quick scrapbook of photos for dad's funeral tomorrow.

Thank you so much for all of your kind words, I so appreciate them.

Do not go gentle ...

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

~Dylan Thomas

My dear father passed away peacefully today at 4:30. He fought long and hard to stay here with us, he railed and cursed the dying of the light but his poor body was spent and unwilling.

Thank you so very much for being there for me these past six and a half weeks, your friendship has meant so very much to me.

Botanical drawings for Vintage Thingie Thursday

(For those who have been following my posts about my father ... his doctor submitted his discharge orders a few hours ago. He is to go home to hospice care at about eight PM tonight. The past few days have been very difficult, he has become dependent on the BiPap machine, struggling for breath otherwise. So heartbreaking. He had begun to spend the days sleeping again (we think due to the build up of CO2) and saying only a few words - his doctor ordered another blood transfusion yesterday and he is a wee bit perkier today. I got to talk to him this morning on the phone and needless to say it brought smiles and tears of joy. I will be leaving in a bit to go to the hospital but have all this nervous energy and thought I'd do a Vintage Thingie Thursday post while I am waiting for my husband to come home and we leave for the hospital. Thank you again for all of your care and concern and prayers for my father.)

(Please visit Suzanne at Colorado Lady for more Vintage Thingie Thursday fun!)

This post is a continuation of my Rednesday post yesterday, here.


Today I am sharing a few pages from Aunt Lulu's college Biology notebook (from 1891) and admiring her delicate hand again (I have big clunky flourish-y handwriting and would love to have elegant handwriting!) and her drawings (I can't draw my way out of a paper bag!).

Happy Vintage Thingie Thursday!

Vintage reds for Rednesday

(Please visit Sue at It's A Very Cherry World for more Rednesday fun!)

Needing a little pick-me-up and distraction over here so I thought I'd get back in the saddle and do a Rednesday post of some family treasure I found recently.

I found these wonderful items belonging to my maternal great grandmother's sister-in-law. I think she was what was deemed a "spinster" long ago - she attended college, became a teacher and so far I cannot find that she ever married. I think she must have come to live with her brother and my great grandmother (or with her mother and her items were passed down to my grandmother).

Dear Aunt Lulu. I think she has the sweetest face. Did she really never have a "suitor"? Her school notebooks suggest an excellent and curious mind - perhaps she was an early feminist, wanting/needing to have her own voice, not wanting to give up her own pursuits, as women had to do back then?

(Lulu, in the forefront, seated on the ground,
wearing the same dress as the photo before,
wonder what the occasion was? High School
or College Graduation or???)

I am sharing a red(ish) autograph album that was given to her by three friends and also her red marbled paper-covered notebook from Carleton College, Northfield, MN, dated 1890.

I know my gnome, sprite, elf and fairy loving friends will adore this one! Isn't the little gnome charming?! The cover is velvet and I can't begin to guess what the image is made out of??? Would anyone know by any chance what the material used would be? It's thin and looks like plastic but I didn't think plastic existed in the late 1800's?

The inside has a lovely vintage graphic with a fairy riding on a bumble bee, surrounded by flowers and birds.

For some reason, this lovely treasure was never shared, never passed around for the collection of autographs, the pages left bare. Even so, I have a feeling that it was much loved, being taken out and looked upon, sweet memories of youth rekindled.

(the penmanship in the inscription is absolutely gorgeous!)

Oh my gosh ... and this, her college notebook with her course notes. Her handwriting and neatness are a marvel to me. How on earth does one take "neat and tidy" notes?! I sure never could or did.

I've only just started to read it but I thought this might be an interesting page to share with you ...
Oct. 9

By President Strong

Subject: How to gain concentration of thought.

Use your will power.
Be methodical.
Count every moment worth something.
Learn by your own practice how you can best do what you have to do.
Learn self-dependence. Do not allow others to do your work.
Do not forget the real object of education. The great end of education is not to acquire mere facts but to gain power.

(the "gain power" bit kind of freaks me out! Really, the purpose of education is to gain power? Really??? YIKES, such a weird thought and use of words.)

Six weeks ...

Today is six weeks since my father fell and broke his hip and went into the hospital.

I'm sorry I haven't updated - it's just been more of the same but sadder. He had had a wonderful day on Thursday, so engaged and talkative and making jokes but now it's become very clear the ensuing past few days that my dad's lungs are really in dire shape. He struggles to breathe every morning when they take the BiPap mask off and replace it with the lesser mask. We had thought perhaps the reason was the shock of not feeling that blast of pressurized air and anxiety - but heart breakingly no, that's not it - the nurse gave him anti-anxiety meds and he was still struggling. The lesser mask is on the maximum it can operate but it is not enough for my father, so they had to replace the BiPap mask.

And they just completed the final test ordered on my father, a CT scan to see if perhaps he had a blood clot in his lungs. They found no evidence of any clots but they did find some more fluid build up.

The doctor hasn't been by yet this morning so I don't know what will happen next yet ...

Thank you again for hanging in there with me, for your continued kind comments, your support, your prayers, your friendship. It means so very much to me.

The best laid plans of mice and men ...

... often go awry!

Or as Robert Burns said:

The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men,
Gang aft agley

I was so looking forward to starting a craft project and a new book yesterday but alas, neither happened. WAH! I got caught up in working on my family tree on Ancestor.com and time just went wooshing by. Gosh, that's addictive.

Well until today at any rate - when things got oh so muddled with at least four generations of George Ross's appeared and got all crazy and intermingled.

One of my relatives wrote a family genealogy and I have that to refer to but there are other people on Ancestry.com who I share relatives with and they have some different dates.

So confusing. And that's working on a family line that I already have info on - all the work has been done for me, I just have to plug in the dates. (but then the dates conflict ... woe is me)

If source documents aren't posted, how on earth do you know what is the real date or fact?!

So I'm no longer having fun - instead, I am muttering under my breath and pulling my hair out. I am moving onto another family branch and leaving the dear Ross family behind for another day when I have eaten my Wheaties!


They moved my father out of ICU on Monday evening - the pinheads moved him into an unmonitored room. The portable monitors they brought in, kept him awake all night long and all Tuesday. ARGH!

Thankfully they moved him Tuesday night (at midnight), into a monitored room. We are hoping that he will be able to come home shortly - we keep hearing in a couple of days but "a couple of days" has passed so many times, that I don't pay any attention anymore.


Can't believe it's Thursday already, I have completely lost track of time - hope you're all having a great week!

I'm in need of a mental health day

Not doing so very great over here.

Oh boy howdy - am I ever in need of a day off from my life!

I've tried my best to not bemoan and air the family dysfunction I grew up in on here - to keep my blog insanity free bwahahhahhahha. Suffice it to say that this episode with my father is royally dredging up the past for me and I am in a lot of pain.

I keep showing up for a man that treated my mother like doggie doo, a man that seldom hung out with his family, choosing god knows whose company over ours - a man none of us could ever please.

And I'm still showing up, still doing that dance for daddy, the can't you love me daddy dance. And coming up short again.

OUCHERS times a gazillion!

His only interest is in this new woman who yesses him, spoils him ... a woman who doesn't understand the history of her acts and what is being played out, that she is just the understudy, my mother having created the role.

Such familiar territory. Such deep wounds.

So without further ado and a big sigh of relief, today is Do Whatever Sally Pleases Day over here!

May your midweek Hump Day be easy to climb over today and the view fantastic!

A little craftiness & a diversion & a shock!

I thought I'd show the little bit of craftiness I accomplished in the past two months - this is a craft blog after all! Sheesh. Poor neglected blog!

I was supposed to have a class with Charlotte Lyons (of House Wren Studio) in January and then my father fell and broke his hip and then I got sick with a cold, which became bronchitis - so I missed my class I had been looking forward to for so long. WAH!

I did make darling Charlotte a little present for being so sweet to silly old me though and I thought I'd share it with you and help cheer up my sad little blog. (I finally got it mailed off to her last week and she's received it so now I can share it with you.)

Charlotte loves to stitch so I thought a little sewing kit would be a fun and fitting gift for her.






In case you're interested in the specifics ...

An egg carton was my jumping off point for inspiration. I found some darling old fashioned mini black embroidery scissors (but with regular sized finger holes) online that fit in the carton, and made a little fabric insert to attach them to. I made a padded egg and embroidered "You're a good egg" on it, to place needles that were in use. I made an egg pincushion. I made Charlotte three cross stitch ribbons and wound them on antique thread spools. I had read a post of Charlotte's saying what size embroidery thread she liked and enclosed four colors in that size and also a packet of needles.

I also found a sweet little black hen online to go with my theme and found clip art online for a gift card to go with it.

I also made a card with a felt hen and raffia for her straw nest.

The class project was to be Charlotte's "Love Banner" and the class was two weeks before Valentine's Day, so I wrapped her gifts as I would have a Valentine's Day gift.

ETA: I forgot to add the following resources used:

Fabric Easter Egg Tutorial is from Retro Mama here.

Hen pattern is from Esprit Cabane here.


And I got all of one Valentine card made this year with all the hospital visits and worry. Years ago, I met a very sweet woman in a rubber stamp store while we were on vacation. She and I got to talking and she asked if I would like to exchange handmade Christmas cards with her and I said YES! (Which has gone on to include all holidays.) I didn't want to let her down this year and somehow managed to squeeze this out.

I found the tutorial here for a 3 D Heart Valentine's Day Card on The Creative Place blog.

The stationery that I used for a note, is an online printable. It's available here, on Creature Comforts.

Re a diversion ... I've been having such fun playing on Ancestry.com and working on a family tree to keep my mind off of all the stress and worry of my dad's hospitalization. It's great fun to see all the other families that are intertwined with my own.

It's also been a bit mind-blowing and illuminating (understatement! - since I had never heard of any LDS connection in our family) Unbeknownst to me, I found that my family has two (so far ...) polygamist unions in our family tree.

What?!

Yup!

One man had NINE wives and 43 children!!! Holy moly! The other one was an underachiever with only two wives and five children.

Perhaps this has been lost to time but I think not. I think it must be a family secret as I quizzed my Aunt and cousin and they were very odd about it - changing stories, etc.

I find it all fascinating and can't wait to delve in further. I love a good mystery!

I'm also stumped on my maternal grandfather's family from Sweden, any tips out there on how to research immigrants from Sweden?


And lastly, for my shock of the day ... when I saw my father at the hospital this morning, he told me that he wants to marry his girlfriend!!! Such a shocker!

I am glad that he has found love and happiness and grateful to his girlfriend for taking such good care of him but ... well ... I don't care for her. Not. one. iota. Blech. ARGH!!! She is bossy and opinionated and controlling and I could go on and on. But it doesn't really matter what I think, does it?! It's his life and nearing the end of his life, he deserves this small happiness.

He said he hadn't asked her yet, that he wanted to talk to me and that he wouldn't do anything I didn't want. I fought back the words that were welling up inside me and only said, it's your life Dad and your decision.

Geez Louise. What on earth is going to happen next?!!

My Dad is a bit better today - his CO2 levels went up again over the weekend, so he couldn't be moved out of ICU. They drained the fluid in his lungs this morning, that should make him feel better.

I listened to him to talk to two business clients on the phone this morning and he sounded like his old self in spirit.

Hoping his body will oblige!


Well, I've written a book after so long away, huh?! Wishing you all a Happy Monday!

One foot in front of the other

UPDATE: Saturday 9 Am PST - No sooner had I hit publish than the phone rang. My dad's girlfriend said my father is experiencing difficulty breathing. My dad asked to speak with me and he said it "had been a really long day" - I guess he meant "night". He said he felt a little better now and did express that he was happy about his business again.

Please think a good thought that my father will be comfortable. Thank you!

------------------------------------------------


Every day we hear the same words ... we will get your father up today and move him out of ICU ... ARGH!

Apparently they don't really bother with PT in the ICU ... but they do tell you that your relative is severely deconditioned from laying around for weeks. No kidding. GRRRRRRR!

Thank heavens every few days my dad has had a very nice male nurse and he was willing to (try to) lift my dad up and position him on the edge of the bed yesterday. He helped my dad to sit up twice yesterday and the effort really pooped my dad out (understatement) but hopefully that's just a beginning on the road to recovering some body strength.

The pulmonary doctor said my dad's blood gases were much improved, YIPPIE! My dad has known him for a number of years and they're so cute together - the doctor always comes in with a golf joke or anecdote to cheer my major golfing-nut dad up.

They were to move my father out of ICU yesterday but there wasn't a bed available on another floor for him yet ... at least this time the issue was a lack of a bed for him.

Depending on how he does after he is moved out of ICU, we will decide whether or not we will rescind the hospice care order and choose regular home care instead, or not. My father's own doctor says that there are advantages to both and that we will review our options after the weekend.

If he is with-it mentally at the time of his release from the hospital, we know that the very word and thought of "Hospice" will be devastating to him.

He was barely "there" when we made the decision earlier and now he is conversant (and even making business calls to clients - he is so very thrilled over a new contract!). That said, he is experiencing difficulty breathing, just laying down, with no exertion.


Wishing you all a great weekend! Do you have any fun plans? We have theater tickets on Sunday and will be seeing a play starring Jane Fonda (I think it's her return to the stage after a gazillion years), not realizing it conflicts with the Oscars! Thankfully we're seeing the matinee but we'll still have to scurry home quickly - after picking up something yummy on the way home for dinner, of course. Three cheers for DVR's.

Thank you again so much for your continued care, concern and friendship, it means so much to me!

Dare I say ...

... that today is a good day for my dad?!

He stayed awake for long patches yesterday and is doing so again today AND three, count them, three, doctors said that he was doing better today. YIPPIE!

He is even wearing his cranky pants today so he must be feeling more like himself teehee!

He told me and his girlfriend that he was going to "demand" to be sent home and sign himself out but then when his doctor arrived to see him, he only asked to go home. Poor thing, it's been four and a half weeks of a total nightmare for him.

Anyway, today is good and we're counting our blessings.

Thank you so much for all of your care and kind comments, I appreciate it so very much!

I'm so very tired of this roller coaster!

ARGH ARGH ARGH

I am so dang confused and so very tired of being confused.

The last time I wrote I spoke about the ICU doctor painting the bleakest of pictures. Well ... the next morning when I visited the hospital, a Palliative Care doctor showed up to speak with me - I hadn't been told this would happen.

The good news with that visit was that she told us she thought my father would probably have "months" yet ... while the ICU doctor had said a couple of months and also said anything little thing could be too much for my father.

Things are (were?), moving at lightning speed ... yesterday afternoon we met with a Hospice Care company and signed up with them for Dad's care ... my father was to be reviewed for a day or two and if stable then released home to hospice care.

Well ...

I just got a call from my father's own private doctor and he said that there are still two procedures that the hospital can do for my father that may make him a bit better and feel better ... #1. a transfusion for his anemia, which the higher red blood count would help the oxygenation of his blood and #2, draining off the fluid around his lungs (which apparently my father has had done before and it was helpful).

So ... my dad's own private doctor is requesting the ICU staff to "treat whatever is reversable".

Well um, yeah!

I had thought that was the decision we came to with the ICU doctor.

ARGH!

And most importantly, my dad's own doctor said that my dad could have a breathing tube inserted for a short period of time and then have it removed and not be any worse than he currently is. (My dad's doctor is a heart doctor and he also had a pulminary [spellling?] specialist review my father's case.)

@&%^&!+#^&%$!!!

Why on earth did the ICU doctor tell us that my dad would never be able to have a tube removed, once one was inserted and that he'd be in a vegetative state???

I want to throttle someone right now - only I don't know who to throttle!

So we wait for those two procedures and see how my dad is and then if he is stable, the hospice company will accept him and he will go home and be under their care.

I feel slightly insane at this moment ...