Thursday, November 15, 2012

farewell dear friend

Debbie and me

oh gosh.

My heart is burdened and broken with yet another profound loss. I found out yesterday that my very first childhood best friend passed away in 2010.

Debbie was an alcoholic and a drug addict.  I last spoke to her in 1994. The last straw in our relationship came for me when she chose drugs over her four year old son and abandoned him to her husband.

While out running errands, I would catch glimpses of her a few times later in 94 or 95, around the neighborhood with a shopping cart, like one of the many struggling or homeless in Los Angeles.  I would never see her again.

In the back of my mind, I always knew the chances of her still being with us were slim. Alcohol and substance abuse recovery rates are very very low and she had never been willing to admit she had a problem, let alone seek help.

But still the heart hopes.

November 8th would have been her 59th birthday.  She was continually on my mind. I felt her presence so strongly this month. 

And yesterday, I felt the need to see if I could find something out.  Thinking I was looking for a phone number or address online, I found instead, an obituary notice. In shock and disbelief, I logged onto my Ancestry.com account and it confirmed that she had passed away in April of 2010. 

The tears flow unabated, like Niagara Falls. Regret fills me.  I should have just been there.  No child grows up dreaming of being an alcoholic or an addict, or living a life hurting and disappointing those they love. I should have found a way to be there.

I don't know what happened to her, will most likely never know. I long to know she was loved and cared for.


I met Debbie in Kindergarten. She was blonde, full of life and fearless. I was brunette, scared of my own shadow and the description "painfully shy" was made for me.

Debbie's parents were fifty when she was born, her mom had been told that she would never have children and then SURPRISE!, here came Debbie.  Debbie was adored and doted on. Her father built her room sized Christmas scenes every holiday to enchant her.  Her mother made most of her clothes and all her Halloween costumes. For her sixth birthday, Dorothy made her a clown outfit for her birthday party that was at the TV show, Chucko the Clown - her outfit was identical to Chucko's. I remembered it to this day, she and Chucko together. 

I learned to swim with Debbie - I was petrified and she had nerves of steel. 

I wanted to take ballet because Debbie did - she'd been taking it since she was three. I longed to be a ballerina but after one day of a cranky instructor barking at my seriously-low-self-esteem-self, that was the end of my ballerina dreams.

Debbie was always the most popular. She was a friend to everyone and everyone wanted to be her pal.

Our friendship would wax and wane from 1959 to 1994, but she was always there. Her last gift of friendship to me was buoying my spirits and telling me I deserved so much better, when I (ironically) left my alcoholic ex-husband.


Love you always, dearest and best of friends! 


14 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Dear Joy, thank you so very much for visiting and for your kind words. I so appreciate it!

      Sally

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  2. I'm sorry you've lost her. I know that regret thing, too. Sending hugs - xox

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    1. Hi Pammie! So good to see you! Thanks so much. I can't get her out of my mind. And all the could have dones and should have dones. :( Hope all is well at your end!

      Sally xooxoxox

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  3. I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Addiction is an ugly ugly thing that no one can fix but the addicted person. Remember that and think fondly of your friend when you guys were little and carefree. I hope your heart gets a break soon. : )

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    1. Hi Melissa, thank you so very much for your kind words and reminder. Oh boy, I sure know that, that we can never change anyone, ever. And the effort is even more futile with a substance abuser. I went to Alanon for eight years and also "Affected Family" groups while with my ex-husband, I have all the tools but it still hurts a boatload. :(

      Sally

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  4. I am so sorry. What a life wasted. It is really something how we are drawn to somethings. and for you to go looking. It is so hard when we lose a piece of our past.
    Take care.

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    1. Hi Ann! Thank you so very much for your kind words, you've been so very dear and constant in the past year and a half during these sad days. WAH!

      Sally xo

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  5. I'm so sorry, Sally. You wrote a wonderful tribute to your friend. You have had it so hard this past year. I hope things get better for you. They probably can't get any worse. Hugs to you!

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    1. Hi Leslie, thank you so much for your kind words. I guess we've reached that age where we not only lose our parents but our friends too,its all so very painful! I found out a week earlier, that another one of our Blue Bird troop passed away fifteen or twenty years ago from MS, she'd been ill for half her life. So sad.

      Wishing you a wonderful holiday with your family!
      Sally xo

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  6. Dear Sweet Friend, It is said every person comes into our lives for a reason. It seems hers was to give you the gift of a new beginning. I remember how enchanted I was by her photograph and the memories you shared about your Bluebird days. I am sad for you Sally as I know your favorite childhood friend is now gone. You have let her life have meaning by sharing her with us.

    Yes, a Deer Husband ornament was set aside for you!

    Thank you always Sally for the absolute delight that I always find when I visit you here. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Elizabeth

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  7. Hi Elizabeth, thank you so much for your kind words, that's so very sweet of you. Yes she gifted me with the courage to move forward and held my hand throughout the painful and lonely times that follow a divorce. She even gave me an excellent job recommendation, which gained me the job I desperately needed to survive on my own. Her gifts to me and others, were many.

    And YIPPIE! So glad to hear I made the reindeer cut! :) Thank you!

    Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving with all your dear ones,
    Sally xo

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  8. Sally,
    So sorry to read the loss of your friend. I'm fretting over a type of a loss of a childhood friend. A girlfriend who lived across the street from elem. school through adulthood. Like you - on and off again - but always my Bestest!! She married a second time to a military guy my husband and I introduced her to 30 yrs. ago. He has been verbally abusive and he won't let her see me because he's afraid I'll tell her to leave. both her parents have passed, no children, and pretty much no friends. He's retired and he makes her work. She finally left him and has gotten her own place - she was even suppose to come over and stay with me for Thanksgiving. She's 4 hours away and I haven't seen her in 7 years. We'll talk a couple of times on the phone a year. She emailed me to say that they have gotten back together. She says she loves him dearly even though he's having almost an open relationship with another woman. My heart is crying for her. I won't call her at home, and have to wait until Monday to check up on her.
    Love your picture - Camp Fire Girls?? Neat pictures of your pups!! Four of them??? I'd love to have more -
    Glad you stopped in and said HI!! I'll never be vegan or even vegitarian. I enjoy fish and shrimp and oysters too much. Am trying to not eat cheese (I LOVE cheese) and use little milk. Love eggs - buy my eggs are from a lady down the street with chickens in her back yard.

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  9. Hi Suzan!
    Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, so much pain and it sounds so frightening. I hope you were able to connect with her today and check in.
    Yes, Camp Fire Girls. :)
    We lost our beloved Honey in September. SOB!
    We weren't planning on adopting but the rescue called us, telling us a senior pair needed home - they didn't want them separated. So now we have two senior doggies, 9 and 12, that the owner just dropped off at the shelter to be put down, because they were old. JERK! They are the sweetest, low maintenance fur balls, with lots more love to give. I'd like to throttle their owner. GRRRRRRR
    Eating less of animal products is great! It would be wonderful if everyone would move in that direction. We still eat dairy and eggs, trying to eat less. How wonderful to be able to get eggs from a neighbor, you lucky!

    Happy Monday!

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