Saturday, March 12, 2016

missing you

I miss you guys! Hope all is well with you. I'm just hanging out over here, being a couch potato for the most part. Getting very little done these days, my back hurts all day, every day. OUCH. Physical Therapy has not helped - and possibly made it worse (I have curvature issues) ARGH - my PT is having me take two weeks off and then we'll review. My spine doctor has begun to mutter the possibility of surgery to me. No no no! WAH. 

March 10th was five years since my Dad passed away. Grief and loss are such strange and somewhat indescribable things. I feel as though I've been walking through a fog ... slowly, feeling my way, waiting for the mist to clear. The sun breaks through more often now but there will always be an ache and a longing. 

My cousin emailed me this week that she and her sister were going to have a hospice evaluation for their mom this week. I just wept, reading her email. Aunt Emily is the last of our parents, the last who will love us unconditionally and the last keeper of our collective family memories. We are a small family and a family that was never close. I have struggled since my dad passed away, to make connections where there were none.

(my mom, gone nearly 20 years now, is in the middle of the photo and my aunt Emily is the one on the right end)

My brother has been gone more than 20 years now. We feel his presence in his daughters and now his grandson, who bears a bit of a resemblance to him and that warms our hearts and lifts our spirits. We are all connected, part of a continuum.

This week I had an overwhelming sense that I should google a friend of mine who I hadn't heard from the past few years. Linda and I had been friends in the early 80's. We had met at a needlework store we both frequented (a lot!) and became friends, bonding when both of our marriages were falling apart and ending. Our lives would no longer intersect after a few years but we would sometimes speak on the phone and then later send news in Christmas cards. 

Yes, I did google and I found online that her (next) husband (of 25 years) had passed away in late 2014, from an inoperable prostate cancer that spread.

I had worried I had offended her somehow or that she no longer liked me but as is more-often-than -not the case, her silence had nothing to do with me, at all. 

Knowing her, I know she dug in with everything she had, to love and attend to her husband, every moment of every day. They had always been as though they were one, one heart one mind one being. Theirs lives were each other and rarely extended beyond the two of them.

Good gosh, I've probably depressed three quarters of you reading this (if anyone still is!!!) LOL! Sorry! Just a lot of emotional events for me in the space of a few days and I had the need to blabber on ... and on ... and on ...

Now would be a great time to give all those you love a hug and a squeeze! Just sayin'.

And on a much lighter topic ... I'm mulling over a crafty project! Been a long time ... 

Much love to you my bloggy friends, take care, be well!


  1. Sending you lots of blogger friend hugs Sally. Mixing serious back pain with the family aging and bereavements is a tough one. I still tear up when thoughts of my Dad come into my mind, still so recent. I think of family members who are gone and work on thinking happy thoughts. Surely not at all easy Sally. Hugs again.

  2. Oh Sally...
    The circle of life can be so challenging, especially when we lose loved ones. Both my parents are gone, too...both near Thanksgiving, so that's not a holiday that's high on my hit parade. Please know that I'm thinking of you often & that my heart is with you. Be strong & hopefully you'll get to some fun project soon. Art always helps do friends. Hugs to you!

  3. Seasons.. seasons of joy.. quiet seasons, noisy busy seasons, sad seasons.. seasons of introspection... they all join together and make life an emotional rollercoaster ride! doncha think? some are long seasons and some short.. and some blend so well we cant tell one from the other. I still have both of my parents. In fact Im going to Florida april 1st and will spend a little time with my dad. hes in his 80's and has had a heart attack and also prostrate cancer. I havent seen him in about 8 years or so. Its time to see him though. In reality it really could be the last time, though he is well enough now, he doesnt travel and neither do I really. thankfully my mother comes up here every year or so. Or I wouldnt see her either. They both live in florida though a couple hours apart. anyways, we are all a tiny bit estranged. but I love them and I miss them. I know I will be very upset when they are gone. cant think about it though. OK... so this is a depressing conversation. lol! If you can call it a conversation! lol. soooo.. Im heading back to cut out more bears for a big memory bear order! I would rather be making bunnies and chicks. I hope your back is feeling better soon.. dont be such a stranger!

  4. So good to see you posting. I lost track of my blog list and am rebuilding as I find them. Life is difficult however we are resilient and have our memories to keep us connected. My Aunt recently passed away and she was the end of the family line. Our families were never close but I really got hit with the reality of having no one to ask questions or confirm family history. May you get your creative muse busy making fun projects. I find being creative really soothes my soul. Blessings Dear...

  5. Sally, I've been missing you!!! I PM'd you on IG. I was hoping everything was okay. I think we all go through times like these. Just know that you have people who care about you;) Big squishy hugs! Twyla

  6. Hi Sally So good to hear you on your blog. We missed you too. I can relate to the missing family part of your post. It's so hard. I hope you get some answers on your back. No fun being in pain. Glad you have a project going, maybe that will help.

  7. I've neglected my blog and have missed my fav's, I forgot how much I missed reading your blog.
    In this post there were a lot of heavy things,life seems to do that, all at once, I have to ask did you contact your friend?
    I've been missing my dad too 16 years this July 27, it lessens but it's sporadic at best......sorry to hear you are too.
    Sorry to hear about your back, have you tried salonpas ? it's not a a cure just a relief......